Choices We Make
by detective-wiseass
Summary: Time must be taken to grieve when a loss is experienced. When the Boston Police Department loses another of their own, those left behind draw each other closer to ease the pain.


**A/N: I'm sure I'm not the only one left dissatisfied with the conclusion of the Susie Chang episode. So I wrote a continuation of sorts. It's my headcanon of what happened after we cut to the credits. Maura hadn't been given an opportunity to grieve, so I wanted to provide her that. Just a one-shot. Rizzles always and forever.**

The boisterous headbanging subsided as Susie Chang's favorite song reached its conclusion. Jane quietly sidled up beside Maura. A touch to the elbow brought the medical examiner's aimlessly wandering gaze to focus on Jane's face.

"Let me know when you're ready to go, okay?"

A ghost of a frown crossed Maura's features. She blinked.

"No rush; we can stay as long as you want. But I'd like to drive you home, if that's okay," Jane offered by way of explanation. Her best friend still looked so dazed. She gave the tiniest of rubs to Maura's upper arm when she finally nodded.

"Thank you," Maura whispered.

Jane resisted the urge to kiss her cheek. To remain resolutely at her side and keep people from lingering too long around her, asking too many questions, not giving her enough space. But she realized that love was just as much about giving people space when they needed to process as much as it was about being there when they needed support. So she stepped away, mingled, tried to discreetly field as many questions and comments as possible before they reached Maura. While she had every faith in Maura's social graces and impeccable etiquette, Jane wondered how much more the woman could handle before the shock abated and grief overwhelmed her.

Angela drew up next to her, a tray laden with mixed drinks balanced on her palm. "How is she doing?"

Jane cast a glance in her best friend's direction. "She's doing great, Ma. You know Maura. When the rest of us want to scream and punch someone in the throat, she stays calm, composed, and polite."

"Yes, but...how is she _doing_?"

Jane shook her head. "I won't really know until I get her home. And when that happens is really up to her. I told her we can leave whenever...she just has to say the word."

Her mother nodded. "You're driving?" She angled her gaze to Maura, who stood sipping a martini in the exact same spot next to Susie's picture that she had been standing in all night.

"Yep." Jane took a sip from her own cocktail. When her mother turned a suspicious eye to the glass in her hand, Jane met her gaze evenly. "This is my only one, Ma. I promise."

Mollified, Angela nodded. "Good girl." She resumed weaving through clusters of people to offer drinks.

Jane sought Maura's eyes across the room. When Maura finally looked at her, she mouthed, _Still okay?_ To which Maura nodded. But there was no light in her eyes. Jane started to wonder if Maura was staying because she felt she had to. She pulled out her phone and tapped out a message.

 _You truly do not have to stay any longer than you feel comfortable. I know you're doing this for Susie and I don't want you to feel I'm pushing you in any direction. I just want to look out for you. The moment you decide you're done, we'll go. You don't owe these people anything and you will continue to pay your respects to Susie by taking care of yourself and doing what you both love. Ok?_

Maura received the text within moments and paused to read it. She looked up to meet Jane's eyes and managed a tiny, soft smile. Then she sent back: _Okay. :) I will let you know when I'm ready._

 _/_

A few hours later, the last of BPD personnel who came out to pay their respects and celebrate Senior Criminalist Susie Chang were trickling out of the Dirty Robber. Each of them stopped by Maura on their way out to convey their condolences one last time. Jane remained close by, but let Maura go through the motions and platitudes uninterrupted. She knew Maura would find some fleeting solace in playing out the social routine. Until she got her home and Maura felt safe to truly feel the full breadth of her emotions, it was all Jane could do to allow her this small, temporary distraction.

Frankie was the last of the guests to make an exit, leaving Jane, Maura, Angela and Korsak and a host of empty drinkware. Angela started wiping down the bar, Korsak began washing glasses.

Jane leaned into Maura as they stood next to the bar. "I'm proud of you. You kept it together better than I could've."

Maura leaned into her as well. "Thanks, Jane."

"You ready to go home?" Jane asked softly.

Maura pushed off the bar and started collecting glasses off of tables.

"Maura, honey..." Angela called from behind the bar. "Don't worry about those."

Korsak nodded his agreement. He draped his bar towel over his shoulder as he started putting drinkware away. "Yeah Maura, we'll take care of it. And whatever doesn't get done tonight, it'll get done tomorrow. You get some rest."

Jane went to her side. Stopped her hand as she reached for another glass. "Let's go home, baby," she said quietly without thinking.

Maura's eyes snapped up to meet hers, swimming with tears.

Jane could feel her own eyes growing wide with fear. _I screwed up. It just slipped out! I'm sorry, Maura, I'm sorry!_

But all Maura said was, "Okay." She let Jane guide her to her Prius outside and open the door for her, and allowed Jane to drive her home.

She released a sigh, closed her eyes, and leaned her head back against the seat. Jane didn't say a word, but put her hand on Maura's leg and let it rest there. Maura's exhaustion was palpable.

Slender fingers slid over Jane's and wrapped around her hand, lifting it. Maura's hands were surprisingly warm. Soon, Jane's hand was cradled against Maura's chest, Maura holding it just beneath her throat like it was the most precious object in this world.

Unexpectedly touched, tears sprang to Jane's eyes. She quickly blinked them away as they pulled into Maura's driveway. When Jane put the car in park, Maura didn't release her hand right away. Instead she looked over at Jane and held her gaze.

The detective searched her best friend's face, and saw far too much emotion for the medical examiner to convey in words. "I know," she said.

She got out and opened the door again for Maura. They walked together to the front door. Once Maura unlocked it, she turned to Jane. "Come inside?"

"If you want me to." In truth, she wanted nothing more than to stay with Maura all night.

Maura nodded, and led Jane inside. Maura proceeded to bustle around the kitchen, putting things away, needlessly straightening items on the counter that were already perfectly arranged.

 _Stress cleaning,_ Jane thought.

"Can I offer you something to drink?" Maura asked.

Jane shook her head and smiled. "I'm good thanks." _She's still in formal Maura mode._ She stepped around the island to intercept Maura just as she closed the refrigerator door. "Hey. Slow down. Stop. It's okay."

Maura's jaw clenched. She set down the bottle of white wine she'd retrieved from the refrigerator and turned more slowly to pull a glass from the cabinet. She opened the bottle and started to lift, but Jane saw her hands trembling.

"I'll get it," she said, fingers grazing Maura's as she gently took glass and bottle from the medical examiner. She nodded toward the living room. "Go sit."

Maura obeyed wordlessly.

Jane poured and brought both bottle and glass to the couch, setting them on the coffee table.

Maura sat forward on the couch, back rigid, shoulders taut, face blank as she stared at nothing in particular. "I feel responsible," she said softly.

"I know you do, honey," Jane said. "But you're not. If there's anything we've learned over the years, it's that this is a risk we run every day by coming to work. We make the bad guys' lives harder, and that was especially true for Susie with all of the evidence she handled and processed."

Maura turned her face away.

Jane rubbed her back, wishing there was more she could do to remove this burden of grief from her beloved best friend's shoulders. "I know none of this makes a damn bit of difference right now, but it's the truth. And even from behind the scenes you helped bring the person responsible to justice. That will never not be something to be proud of."

Maura looked at her. Her back was so tight beneath Jane's fingers.

"You can let go now," Jane murmured.

The first tears finally spilled from Maura's eyes. She leaned in and scooted closer, and Jane gathered her in her arms.

"You're safe now. Just let it go." She kissed Maura's hair and rocked her ever so slightly as sobs began to wrack the medical examiner's frame.

"Susie was so loyal," Maura cried. "So devoted to her work."

"So are you." Jane stroked her hair.

"She deserved better. So much better than this."

"I agree. Believe me. But we did what we could for her. _You_ did _everything_ you possibly could. You always do."

Maura quieted. Curled further into Jane. "So do you," she whispered.

Jane loosened her hold on Maura just enough to peer into her face, unspoken questions furrowing her brow.

"You always do your best, Jane. And you've never left my side, no matter how ugly things have gotten."

"Well, of course I haven't. Leaving you would be unthinkable. You're family, Maura. And there's nothing I wouldn't do for the people I love. You know this."

Maura nodded against her chest. Sniffed. "But it still amazes and scares me sometimes."

"Why would that scare you?"

"I don't...I couldn't watch something happen to you because of something I did. A mistake I made. I couldn't lose you."

Jane cupped her cheek. "Maura. We make choices every day. Some are tough. Some might be dangerous. But we make those choices. Anything that happens to me will always boil down to a choice I made. _I'm_ solely responsible. So don't ever blame yourself."

Maura wrapped her arms around Jane's waist. Buried her face between the detective's shoulder and the couch cushion.

"Besides, I don't have any intentions of going anywhere." She kissed the top of Maura's head again. "I'm still convinced that you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. That ever _will_ happen to me. Why would I want to leave that behind?"

Maura looked up, a bittersweet and potent mixture of sadness and hope in her hazel eyes. "Really?"

Jane nodded. "Yeah. Given a choice, I choose to stay." She leaned down and kissed her tenderly. "With you."


End file.
